As for me, i have lost a few people in my life, most significantly my parents and subsequently friends, uncles, aunts and cousins along the way. Quite a few when i think about it. And i know most of my family and friends have lost someone too at some point, this a fact of existence we cannot escape it. So people always ask me questions like: What is it like? How are you doing with that? How do you continue and so on? And so today i thought i would answer that question and give a more elaborate account of how it is for me, how i have coped and where we go from here.
Now i will not lie that this is one of those mental gymnastics situation where you tell yourself a few words of light during the event or in the mornings that follow and you are right as rain. The first moments take you. You as you know yourself disappear completely and you embark on this chaotic journey of emotions and understandings that you did not know existed in a human life. What are i remember now is that everything almost zoomed in towards me and lingered in a one meter radius. Simple conversations, simple activities like taking a bath and brushing my teeth, simple body language cues became very heightened and significant. I would guess this was my way of still trying to remain tethered to the here.
After that the pain dissipates as you realize that you are still here. You still have a life to live, work to do, a contribution to the world that still remains you still need to give. And the days start rolling by, however, in the back of your mind, in the core of your being you know something isn't right. This hidden entity surfaces at times and takes you right back to those first moments of the event. I cried, i distracted myself with numerous social interactive actions (You know what i mean, or ask me sometime...), i laughed and then it passed
Following this i found the limbo which i think is the longest part of it all and i still maybe in it. This involves forgetting. Sad to say, forgetting someone you loved and knew. But i think this is normal because your world is now defined by new parameters that exclude the people you lost. The pain now exists as a vacancy. An itch you cant reach. A Feeling you cannot describe, words you want to say but do not need to say. And when that entity resurfaces it does not take you back to that dark time but now you take it to fond remembrances (some of which you may have forgotten or never had thought about ever before), moments that now seem sublime in your memory. And you smile in those dark times and celebrate the fact that you once loved and knew a certain person.
So to say you get over it would be wrong, it is more like you put it in a special compartment and carry it around with you and refer to it when you need to. I miss who i have lost, but at the same time i love who i have around me and i will cherish them now in as much as i cherish those who have passed. We cannot force the past into the present and future, try as we might. I cannot live everyday for those i have lost. Yes i can continue for them but i cannot linger around where they live otherwise i passed on the day they did.
'After'- The after is this. Today celebrate those you have lost and more than that celebrate and appreciate those you still have with you. And look forward to when all will be revealed and we reunite. Quite simply live a life you won't mind sharing over drinks at the end. I don't want to get to my parents and say why did you go, no, i want to get there and say did you see what i did and how i lived?
If you have lost someone and need an ear, I'm here. if you are wondering how to keep it together, I'm here. if you need someone to listen to you remember and share in the life of who you lost, I'm here. And if you feel like celebrating those who have passed and those who are here, then get in touch with me, its Friday we can do something. That includes those who aren't in Thailand with me, we can still have a long distance drink by sharing our intentions. Have a good weekend and if you want to know more, ask me sometime.....Love
"Death's a door
That love walks through
In and out, in and out
Back and forth, back and forth"
- TV On The Radio
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